You are my True North! Today, I want to thank You for Your
overwhelming and amazing love for me! You have "carried me" in my weakness,
comforted me in my grief, provided for me in my need ~ You have been my every source of strength and have loved me with “an everlasting love”! You are my All
in All, I am complete in You!
Today, would have been mine and Jim's 36th wedding anniversary ~ I can
only be thankful, to You, for 35 wonderful years that You gave us together,
here, on this earth! To go with You has always been an adventure and You have
been such a blessing to us in so MANY ways, over the years! I am so grateful to
KNOW Jim is home with You and can not begin to imagine all that he is
experiencing. To see You face to face, to, actually, stand in the presence and
fullness of Your radiant love, has to be more than a mortal body could bear!
I have realized in Jim’s passing, how much he cherished me,
and how deeply I have loved him. In the depth of such unimaginable grief, I’ve
wondered, at times, and been concerned, that I may have loved him too much, ~
more than You. But, You set my heart at peace, reminding me that it was You
that made us one~ You, made us a chord of three! If our marriage was to be a
picture of Christ’s love for His bride, the church; well, then, in our
humanness, we could have never, even, begun to love each other enough!
My heart, has felt the depth of Your binding love, in his
death, as if being, literally, torn in two; only You could, even,
begin to heal such brokenness or comfort such searing pain. I’ve never had my
heart, actually hurt, physically, like this before, or have I ever known it's heaviness. Without
You, it, surely, would have been far more than I could have ever been able to
bear ~ only grief upon grief! I, now, understand how someone could die of a
broken heart, in the passing of a soulmate and best friend, but You have held
me fast! Never have I known such intimacy with You and I am aware that I
haven’t even begun to touch the surface of all that it is, to know You, completely ~ but the more I know You, the more I want You and it, continually, drives me,
with a passion, to love and know You more!
I can, actually say, that though, it’s been beyond
overwhelming, (Jim’s death, the medical bills, being without him at my side, and now all the
endless estate stuff) that I am grateful for all I have endured, only because
it’s drawn me closer to You ~ that, alone, has turned my devastation into praise!
You’ve taken what was awful and used it for good! You’ve taken what I couldn’t
bear and cause my heart to soar in the joy that it is to draw closer to You!
Lord, it hurts my heart, how easily, and quickly, in good
times, I tend to move away from You. How do You bear us all? The deeper You
take me, the more aware I am of my own sin and that is more grievious than the
grief I already have had to bear! I am sinful in all my ways! I have to wonder,
why You would allow Your Son to die for us, when we were yet sinners? We were Your enemies, and, yet,
in Christ's unconditional love, He laid down His life and made us the family of
God! I am in awe of Your amazing grace!
I will never forget Jim, it would be impossible, but, somehow, I have to move on from
here, and I need Your help to do that! I admit that I don’t know how, but my
eyes are fixed on You! I do not want to spend the rest of my life grieving, there's too much to live for, but it still hurts! I KNOW You can move me beyond this place, I am confident in You! You lead and I will follow!
Today, if You are willing, Jim’s ashes will return to the
dust ~ there is no “goodbye” because I WILL see him again; but only a
willingness to move on, with expectant hope, in You. I need that closure. I am, now, all Yours and I
look to You, alone!
Lord, the intensity of these "fiery trials" have had a way of
bringing You, more clearly, into view and have defined for me
what’s truly important! It’s not what You have for me or what You can do for
me, but it is YOU, Yourself! You are my sole (soul) longing! You are all I
need! You complete me! You are my husband! You are enough!
I thank You for the 35 years of wonderful memories! For the beautiful daughter You have given us together and her love for You! Her face is radiant with Your love! Thank You for allowing her to be with me at her daddy's side, to kiss his face and to be with me as we sang him into Your Presence! I'm grateful that Jim got to see his grandchildren, Lily and Caleb and to spend some very special times with them. They are so precious!
Father, Jim caused me to look at the world through fresh eyes, like when I was a little girl, to believe nothing was impossible, in You! He taught me that there were no molds for pastor's wives, that it was okay to be myself; to love people beyond their faults, not to take things, personally, but to strive to be gentle and loving and so much more! I haven't attained all this, but he was my mentor and I am so grateful to have known him and to have been his wife!
Father, Jim caused me to look at the world through fresh eyes, like when I was a little girl, to believe nothing was impossible, in You! He taught me that there were no molds for pastor's wives, that it was okay to be myself; to love people beyond their faults, not to take things, personally, but to strive to be gentle and loving and so much more! I haven't attained all this, but he was my mentor and I am so grateful to have known him and to have been his wife!
I thank You, Father, for filling my
emptiness and for melting away my fears with Your Presence. For showing me Yourself in new ways through it all! I am greatly bless!
You will walk with me and then take me into
glory!
With a grateful heart ~
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